June 17th
WTH am I doing?
Sometimes, we can peg the needle from zero to one hundred trying to reclaim our jam, aka mojo.
Over the last eighteen months, I have become a professional in this area, requiring cleanup from Aisle Two to the exit doors.
I’ve been stumbling so long that I’ve forgotten how to take full strides and deep breaths. Falling forward has its limits.
This past weekend blossomed into the “enough is enough” category, promoting a call to action.
Unfortunately, my initial action was being an ass-clown to everyone, but that faded as the day progressed. Next was the “cry or man up” step.
Spoiler alert! Toss in a boatload of alcohol, a fifty-fifty mix of both tears and courage. With a chaser of depression and “woe is me” therapy. You finish strong with exhaustion and “Let’s pick this up tomorrow.”
So here we be! LOL.
You just can’t run away from yourself.
Oh, you can numb yourself to a zombie state with your poison of choice.
Sooner than later, you have to dance and look at yourself in the mirror.
I dislike mirrors, cameras, and facing myself.
Especially when there is no one to blame other than me, myself, and I.
I’m not giving up the gig or telling you details on the meltdown reason or rhyme. I’ve managed to toast an opportunity that will haunt me for the remainder of my life.
LOL, No, I’m not being a drama queen.
This fall from grace will leave a mark (No Pun).
I have to say, despite the catastrophe, I am also learning a truckload about myself. Who happens to be my least favorite person, which may be one of the catalysts for the failure. Life is challenging but also g-o-o-d.
I’ve surmised some of my patterns in behavior are relative to the people directly around me. No, I’m not laying blame. I am noticing some individuals have the ability to bring out the worst in me.
Bottom line. I am solely responsible for my behavior and actions. No matter the battle fatigue or baggage dragged up from the past.
Having no escape, I’ve begun taking a good hard look. Bad news, I’m human. But I am also fascinated that I may see and understand some of the underlying causes.
In some ways, we are AI machine-like in our learning and behavior development. A repetitive stimulus of the negative type can have a lasting effect. Heck, a single traumatic event can scar us for life.
Again, I’m not making an excuse. More so an observation. Also, maybe a decision. If I’m unwilling to cut myself some slack, who will?
I’m not trying to snow you into thinking I’ll like myself overnight. I am trying to convey we are our worst critics and that it can have an undesired result.
I also conceded the importance of self-love. I am going to have a grave time with this one. But I hope you will show me how you have gracefully accomplished this.
Have a good day, and thanks for the visit.
