Jan 31
Morning Again So Soon
Life on the jagged Edge
Lately, it seems life is eating me up, one bite at a time.
Concerning since previously I never gave hardship at any level a second thought. Why would I, be blessed and all?
I never allowed the shadow to cast doubt on any of my dreams, no matter how outlandish or unbelievable. At this moment, each breath seems the only forward motion I might maintain.
Can’t say I recognize the man in the mirror or behind the keyboard presently, ready to give in, fold up, and walk away.
The unbearable weight began only days prior, at my parent’s house as I tried to do a visual inventory as a pass-through. Finding an oversized Remax sleeve made of vinyl with a zipper, beneath a small stack of papers atop my mothers’ desk. As if left for me to find, none too soon, but just in time.
You see Mom has been gone for a few years now, but my father has just recently moved on. As time would have it, I have yet to shed a tear while placing one foot in front of the other. The house is a cape cod on a beautiful parcel of land, a hundred years old or better. The love of both my parents, I am sure they are both still there in some form.
Being curious I decided to look in the vinyl envelope or sleeve, and as soon as I touched it the feeling began to intensify. The urgent outcry to keep the home for my own, to assure it wasn’t destroyed in the name of progress and greed. Then the overwhelming depression came over me and I cried uncontrollably.
Once out of the room I regained my composure but it was short-lived. In the hallway, I decided to look in the Remax container finding the original newspaper ad and all the paperwork on my parent’s purchase of the home. Once again the tears overtake me, and I was only able to make it to the top stair where I sit awhile.
I feel numb but the message is clear, somehow at least one of my parents made sure I understood their wishes. Standing to leave the house I feel as if I am walking with weights on, and it only intensifies until outside locking the door. Entering the vehicle to leave I have physical difficulty getting in the SUV as if I have an impairment. Like a nail being driven through my heart, the message solidified.
Having my own home is difficult enough to maintain while working full-time, rational thought dictates planning the sale of theirs. The efforts involved had little effect on me, the concern about its contents and proper redistribution is unnerving. The thought of going against their wishes is bone-crushing.
Going on day three since leaving their driveway I am having a problem envisioning any of my plans or hopes blossoming. I hardly have the energy to move, and when I do the weight grinds me to a halt prematurely.
I feel out of place as if the world is finished with me.
I hope to wake soon, I no longer care for this dream.
